mattfast1 - the fast one

As authored by Matt

Muhaha! I am better than... Myself

Friday, May 28th, 2004 10:16 AM MDT

OK, so I have some time on my hands. Oh well. The point is, I have just beat my old record of 9899 points and 76 seconds. Take a gander at this:

This is even more impressive than the last one. One day, I will look at these scores and times and think "how pathetic! i have done much better than this in the past!" And of course, this will be when I'm having an e. e. cummings moment, and don't care to capitalize. Hell, I have enough of those already!

Currently holding record

Friday, May 28th, 2004 7:28 AM MDT

I just broke my solitaire record. Here is the current record, as held by Mattfast1 - the fast one:

Impressive, no?

This space taken hostage by the angry and stupid

Thursday, May 27th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME! I AM ALHAD MUHOMMAD-QUIDA AND I REPRESENT THE PEOPLE OF IRAN. WE HATE OUR CURRENT REGIME! PLEASE COME AND "LIBERATE" US, AMERICA! PLEASE COME TAKE OUR OIL TO EASE YOUR CRISIS! PLEASE LET YOUR COMPANIES MOVE HERE TO PAY US HALF WHAT THEY WOULD PAY FOR LABORERS IN AMERICA! PLEASE COME QUICKLY, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE! WE WILL SUFFER FOR ALL ETERNITY IF YOU DO NOT COME QUICKLY, FOR I COULD JUST AS EASILY FIRE OUR NUCLEAR WEAPONS AT YOU!!!!!!!!

Note: this message is not sponsored or endorsed by the management of mattfast1 or any affiliates, subsidiaries, or other governing bodies, nor by our hosting company or the actual bill-payer for this space or domain. Anything said here was completely in order to poke a little fun at various people, and should not be taken as anything other than a joke. If you are still reading this, you are either bored or a lawyer. Thank you for taking time to read this, and here is a little code word you may find useful: sweets-lunar. Thanks again, the management.

A day in the life of Matt

Wednesday, May 26th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

I hate Wednesdays. All 51-53 of them are so boring, you feel like you need to spontaneously snore all the live-long day. Also, other people get so bored, they start boring you, until you just can't take it anymore and go insane. As I look at my call log, I start to see a pattern. See if you, too, can spot it {note: phone numbers have been erased to protect the weak and (sometimes) innocent}:

As you can see, most of my calls in the last few days have been over 15 minutes long, and yes, that one that says 110 min is accurate; I was on the phone today way to long with Bev. Anyway, here is an excerpt from today's idle chatter {note: i will use the same color scheme here that I use with the Rammstein lyrics, simply because I'm too lazy to create new classes}:

Matt: If you really wanted to non-conform to society, you would go naked.
Lauren: Nobody wants to see me naked!
(Note the implied long, uncomfortable silence here while we both contemplate this)
Lauren: Matt, you're taking too long to respond... You're supposed to be going "Ohhhh, gross!!!"
Matt: Maybe I should just go naked.
Lauren: "Ohhhhh, gross!!!"

As you can see, I have succeeded in placing yet another dirty image in Lauren's mind; yet at the same time, dodging the dirty image she provided me. It's just too freakin' easy with Lauren; and that is why we love her so much. She can be a pain in the buttocks, but we can always torture her using as few words as possible. I believe my record is two words; I'm trying to get it down to one, and I have almost succeeded on several occasions.

Hooray for bisexual tables and ballistic Brads

Monday, May 24th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Although this is the first official day of Summer vacation, I spent it... at school. However, we were there to clean and paint the scene shop, and get it ready to produce plays for Arapahoe Children's Theater (ACT), and to produce plays after school begins as our normal schedule.  So anyway, Jessie and Stephanie were trying to figure out what color to paint the saw table, and they decided to us a gender-based color. However, they couldn't choose between pink and blue, so they just compromised: the table top is pink and the sides and legs are blue. Therefore, it is now known as the Bisexual table. Also, the paint table's top is now orange and the sides and shelves are yellow.

Now to get to the second part of this update: the Ballistic Brad. When Brad sauntered into the scene shop as they were in the process of painting the table, he nearly had a heart attack as he leaped back from the table and was heard to exclaim: "It's not staying that way, is it?!?!?!?!?" Anyway, he was just there to pick up a table saw that needed repairs, se he and Will-o went to get the saw and got it loaded up on the back of Brad's pickup truck and were driving away down University Blvd. when he dumped the saw into the road. With our principal, Mr. Booth, watching. To this moment, we have not heard from Brad or Will-o.

The official Techie Cart O' Death? was tipped today by Jason and I, following one of Jason's as-always brilliant decisions when he said "just take it straight down" while it was completely overloaded. However, he was smart enough to execute the Get The Fuck Out Of The Way Of Falling Shit To Save One's Own Ass? Maneuver, so the entire load ended up on the asphalt instead of on his face.

What the hell are we doing here?

Sunday, May 23rd, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Well, here we are: after all this work, Mattfast1 - the fast one has become a reality. I would like to thank everyone who made this possible: Me, Myself, My friends, my dear sweet mommy, and various others who are either too mean or too big of assholes to be shown here. Oh, wait, you mean I have to list my agent? All right, thanks, me. I also need to thank all the people who are written about in these pages, because without them, I wouldn't have any semi-hilarious material to write about.

Dear Gods, I'm Ugly

Sunday, May 23rd, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Actually, that was just a quick tagline to make you read this. I got a haircut today, and I actually look a lot better. Pictures coming as soon as my camera gets over the shock of not seeing a "whole bunch-o-hair "? on my head.


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