mattfast1 - the fast one

As authored by Matt

Greaseball Shitcanned

Thursday, October 7th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

This will be a short post, but here goes.

Soon, I will be converting these posts to posts in a new blog. Then, I'm going to turn the front page of this web site into the blog, stopping me from needing to edit HTML simply to create a new post on the web site that would be really be done better with a blog-type piece of software anyway, and probably should have been set up that way in the first place. That way, if I ever feel the need, I'll add more staff, and then they can post here too.

Don't worry, you'll still see the same great content all four of my regular visitors have come to know and love. It's just the way I edit the site that is going to change. Eventually, I may move the entire thing to a Content Management System, such as PHP-nuke. However, that is a long way down the road, because if I do that, I have to re-create this template for that. Perhaps, once all is said and done, I'll only have a few files associated with this site, and most of the contents will reside in a database.

My Baby (the internet), she lives!

Saturday, October 2nd, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Last night, my parents both went up to Evergreen to an establishment known as The Little Bear to watch a friend of a co-worker of my mother's play, leaving me alone in the house with their computer and their entire lifetime's passwords. I worked through the list, trying to crack at least one of their accounts, and cracked one of my mother's passwords extremely quickly, landing the correct password on the third try. This proves for all time that my mother doesn't have any imagination: this is a password she's used before.

Then, today, even though I now set AOL back up on my computer, I went to Southglenn Library to surf the internet in high speed while my parents are at the cabin for the weekend and... wait, I feel like I've written this before. Oh, right, this is in my LiveJournal. Well, since I'm too lazy to post it in two places, you will have to go there to read the rest of this. The hyperlink follows.

Wedding of a Cousin

Sunday, September 26th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

I love Nebraska drinking traditions.

What a way to start a story about a wedding. However, it's the truth: a wedding is an event that allows people to drink a lot of alcohol. This particular wedding was my cousin Mindy getting married to a guy named Chris who grew up in a town in Nebraska named Beemer, just down the road from Norfolk. The actual wedding was in West Point, NE and the the reception was in Beemer, NE.

After the wedding in West Point, the wedding party (Bride & Groom, Bridesmaids, Groomsmen, Flower Girls, Ringbearer, and Ushers) went on a hayrack ride through the town of Beemer. Just about everyone on board (no matter the age) had alcoholic beverages, but none more so than the bride's sister Erynn, who made a bet with the groom's brother Eric that she couldn't drink six beers in the span of the thirty-minute ride.

She wobbled off the ride completely hammered.

But the fun didn't stop there. Erynn kept on drinking afterward for another 7 hours during the party, until I started looking pretty good to her. Being her cousin, I refused her "offers".

I hate being sober in a crowd of drunks.

Sophomores suck, but Booth is worse.

Saturday, September 11th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Yesterday was the Homecoming pep rally, and for the first time in four years, it sucked ass.

We started with a moment of silence for the three kids who are still in a coma from an accident on Thursday night. Then, we had to hear from the captains of the sports team. Then, we had the band butcher some classic works of art, including The Eye Of The Tiger. They completely butchered it, I tell you.

After that, we had the fun part, the Class Competitions. In the Tug-of-war, the Sophomores beat the Seniors, but it was found that the Sophomores had two extra people, so we won that to beat the Juniors. Then, during the Centipede Race, every single class cheated. Except the Freshmen. They should have won. They didn't.

So, for the third time in four years, the Seniors have won on a technicality. The Juniors should have won last year, but the Seniors got a reprieve from Booth. The Juniors should have won the year before that on a technicality. The year before that, they got a technicality, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway; they won outright without Booth's cheating.

Oh, and that accident I mentioned earlier? We're honoring these kids for doing something stupid.

Booth is a moron.

Can I Please Have Some Talent Here?

Thursday, September 9th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Last night was the Homecoming Show. OK, so the Administration called it a talent show, but there really was no talent in this bunch. Two bands (that don't sing), a dirty dancing routine, two blonde emcees, and several others performed in this, but the best talent comes from us Techies who operate the equipment.

The Arapahoe High School principal of over 20 years, Ron Booth, was hanging out backstage during much of the first show, and for the entire second show. Not only was our principal hanging out on the stage (which is bad enough), he brought his big-ass flashlight. Not only did he bring his big-ass flashlight, he kept shining it in everyone's eyes. The ones he got the worst? The techies.


Lighting, Lighting, The Wonderful World of Lighting

Tuesday, August 31st, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

So today was a pretty under-exciting day. During 4th hour, I went to the tech office to make a list of the hard patch channels. Why? Because we don't want to soft patch the lighting channels back to the way they were, which was a more orderly way of organizing the lights. Since we didn't have a list of the hard patch channels in the booth, we didn't know exactly which channel went to which light.

So, after you have read the concise version, you are probably bored beyond all belief. To that, all I have to say is: you've got some attitude, mister.

Wow, I So Need Some Fries

Monday, August 30th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Today after school was when everything exciting happened. First hour: English. Sleep through most of lecture. Get notes from The Weird Albanian Kid. Second hour: Weight Training. Wake up here. Over-exert myself. Third hour: Do nothing. No, really: Nothing. Fourth Hour: Do nothing. Follow Beth around while she takes pictures. Fifth hour: Take a short math test that doesn't count toward my grade but gives me a free $10 Wal-Mart gift card. Fire drill: Stop, Drop, and Roll. Sixth hour: Work on stupid pinch pot. Consume another pound of clay. Feel like chucking pot at pothead.

After school: Go to Theatre. Steal Red Keys from Earley. Bring Beth, Lauren, and John up to booth to ooh and ah over new lighting board. Rejoice in the presence of new board. Lock up and accompany group to Southglenn library for an intense session of revision of the script for Lauren's movie. Accompany Beth and Lauren to Albertsons for junk food. Accompany Beth and Lauren to Burger King for junk food. Eat junk food. Go home.

Wow, this entry sounds too much like a blog. Well, this really is a blog without the fancy software to make it easy to update. Oh well.

Laziness... Good for me, bad for you

Tuesday, August 24th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Since I am lazy today, and don't feel like writing today, here is a great archived story from SomethingAwful that was originally seen on their site on June 01, 2003. This story is posted without permission; however, I claim no ownership to SometihngAwful or any of it's great articles. The article in question is ?2003 SomethingAwful,

Get it!

Well, this is rather annoying... [ 29 Aug 2004 ]

On Friday, I acquired a PIII computer from a dude at my mom's workplace. It took me all of 12 hours to discover the cause behind the computer being thrown out: It doesn't work. Sure, it will install Windows 98 just fine... until it tries to go into "real" mode and tries to detect the monitor. This is where the entire system comes grinding to a halt.

However, I managed to trade the 32MB stick of RAM in my computer for the 128MB stick that was present in this computer, so now my bitchin' computer has 384MB RAM. I could leave the 32MB stick in this computer to give me 416MB, but I just don't feel like it. I'm just waiting for the next dump to come along with a decent PC-100 stick in it that I can remove by force and feed to this computer.

Another good thing about this computer is the sizeable cache of MP3s that I found hidden behind the Command And Conquer Red Alert directory. This cache has 98 songs, totaling 380MB. Some of it is pretty decent stuff.

Anyway, since this is the longest update I have written in a while, and because I don't want to set precedent that you will quote me on, I'm not writing any more. Besides, most of the other experiences of my weekend are documented on the Board of Smartness anyway.


Saturday, August 21st, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

One week of my last year of high school has been completed. In this time, I have not managed to miss any points in any class, which is a personal best. I have not managed to seriously alienate any of my friends or pseudo-friends. I have not been called into any principal's office. However, I have not yet brought something of great importance to the attention of the Booth yet, either: the fashion in which the Pledge of Allegiance in said every day, as required by state law. The full text of the pledge is such:

I pledge allegiance
To the flag
Of the United States of America,
And to the republic
For which it stands.
One nation
Under God,
With liberty and justice for all.

There is absolutely no punctuation separating "One nation" and "Under God." As the rules of basic English dictate, this means you have no pause in there. It's "One nation under God," not "One nation, under God." If we're all going to say it wrong, there's not really any point behind saying it, is there? Especially when it becomes too over-exposed because we're all forcing it down the throat of every public school student every day. Because of this, the pledge is losing that certain meaning that made Congress choose it as the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States of America.

Yet another spotty update

Monday, August 16th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Where the fuck did the summer go? This is the question on every mind between the ages of 6  and 18 in the Denver area. Most school districts start school today. However, we're the "special" district, and we get to laugh at the other children: we get two more days of summer than they do. So, on behalf of all students in Littleton Public Schools to all students of Denver Public Schools: "Haw Haw!"

The reason I write about school now is because it is the reason I regained access to my computer. I, er, uh, need my computer for, er, uh, school. Yes, school.

You mean this is actually updated?

Saturday, July 24th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Well, I figured that I should actually update this, since that is an activity I haven't done for about six weeks.

So much has happened since the last time I typed something into this inter-web page, I don't know where to begin. So, I'll just provide a quick summery:

On June 10, after I updated this last, my computer was confiscated. Not due to anything I did, just because I didn't (and still don't) have a job. The job market sucks, so as of now, I don't have a job. I'm hoping to score the opening for a Page at my local library, though. We'll see how that goes.

About a week and a half later, Bev, Lauren, and I went to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. For a Harry Potter movie, it was terrible. It gets almost as favorable a review as Cold Mountain received from me. I know someone's going to disagree with me, and those who do (and don't) can tell me about it in the Board of Smartness.

Yes, the Board of Smartness is back online. I didn't complete the process of setting it up at Tripod (UK), so I've just snuck it back on my mom's space and pray that she doesn't find it. I know she doesn't look at logs for her domains, so she won't see it there. This I know. This is the solution I have until the time I have the legal ability, the major billing method, and the money to get my own web space.

It's raining again. This Denver weather has been more and more like Seattle weather these past few weeks. This is supposed to be the hottest portion of the year.

I don't think there's much more to type about, since I'm down to typing about the weather. This will be updated again when I land a job or when I can steal my computer again.

Who wants a big bowl of dental decay?

Wednesday, June 9th, 2004 11:44 PM MDT

I have definitely inherited my mother's mother's mouth. She didn't have any teeth by the time she was 35. I went into the dentist's office yesterday, and I now have two more appointments this month to get fillings installed. Nine fillings. Nine. (Do you get the point yet?)

So now, they have me on prescription toothpaste, the elite Sonicare?, which is only sold to dental professionals for sale to their patients. Also, I have to start using alcohol-free mouthwash. It's all really a chore. A bore of a chore. I'm tired of it already, thanks to an overbearing mother. I'm trying to cut her some slack, considering she's going to end up spending over $2000 on my teeth this month. Ugh. Thanks, Mom, for sentencing me to over four hours in a dentist's chair.

Oh, and when my mouth is finally semi-healthy, I need to get surgery. That's right, I need to go to the oral surgeon and have my wisdom teeth removed, as they are coming in sideways and pushing my other teeth out of the way. So there's even more money for my parents, and even more time for me, with one large exception: I don't get to watch TV during my surgery, because they need to knock me completely out for the surgery, and they only need to give me Novocain to fill cavities, and my dentist has Satellite TV in every room! Yay! I can watch such great daytime TV as "The People's Court", "Judge Marilyn Monroe", "Regis and Kelly", and other great classics.

Anyway, since it is currently 0:44 MDT, I should probably go to bed, so I am fresh when I go out job hunting tomorrow. This is not a great year to be trying to get a job, but since the economy depends on teenage spending, I may have a decent shot.

Busy. Simply busy.

Tuesday, June 8th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

So I went to Lauren's yesterday to study for the driving test. We spent maybe ten minutes studying. The rest of the time, she was stealing music from my computer. And now I am going to pass out on my keyboard from exhaustion. Possibly, more comes later.

Bored. Simply bored.

Sunday, June 6th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Well, here it is. 60 years ago, American and British troops stormed the beaches of Normandy, France. Please join me in a moment of silence for those who courageously gave their life on June 4, 1944 to preserve our freedom to create such a crappy website. Also, I would like to observe the 40th President of the United States of America: A man known as Mr. Ronald Reagan. The first man to sit in the oval office while I have been alive. The man who, despite the stress of the end of the Cold War, still managed to hang on to life to the age of 93.

Now that my recognition of dead people is over, let me shift to the land of the living. Today I got bored, and discovered something: I was playing with the various cheat codes in Grand Theft Auto 2 (Rockstar Games, 1998), and discovered that the city this game takes place in is actually a woman's harem: It is really easy to see, since the only view available is overhead: everyone in the city is male. Every single one of them. Even the prostitutes. It's very sickening.

On to happier topics: my mind never stops imagining. Just a few moments ago, I thought up a scenario at Sara's party that was on Monday that involved my head being kicked while underwater by Jeff when he had been dunking me, and Sara, Bob, Liz, and Jeff hauling me out while Lauren went to call 911. When I actually did get kicked in the head, I should have come to the surface berating Jeff for not kicking me harder and creating a serious situation that could have ended with my death, and guaranteed Bob giving me CPR. (If that sounds slightly homosexual, you will have to refer to my "about me" page to learn whose nickname I am referring to here ;)

Potter, the amazing future

Friday, June 4th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Today, while perusing the paper, I found a pair of articles about the Harry Potter movie, "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" (opening today). Being the fan that I am, I of course had to stop and read the pair of articles, written by Denver Post staff writer Michael Booth. The first article was basically a summary of the movie, while praising the new director for his new, radical ideas about how the movie should be done. The other one, however, was him showing his ideas about where the popular characters could go next. You can read the excerpt of his article here.

In other news, yesterday was Sara's birthday party, and, like her last party, it was a lot of fun. The only downside is that Sara and Teri now have blackmail pictures of Jeff T. and I. While playing Twister. Use your imagination.

And now, I have to wish Moron a happy birthday.

The Tedium of Today

Thursday, June 3rd, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

So, yesterday, I was chomping my way through dinner, and my dad asks, "What are you going to do this summer?" I, being the person I am, responded in a non-committal way. My dad continues to say, "You've already wasted 1/6 of the summer. Starting Monday, it's going to be a big deal to have you just sitting up in your room." Now, I don't have the balls to respond in a sarcastic way, since that would have me running for the life of not only myself, but also the unborn children within. (jk)

This means that it's time for me to stop slacking off. It's time to get a job. It's time to get my permit. Actually, next week, Lauren and I are going to study the manual for the test so that we can both get our permits. However, I am willing to bet that I will get my 50 hours of driving before Lauren does, because if I drive to the cabin, that is two hours of driving. Coming back is another two hours, which means every weekend we go to the cabin, I have the opportunity to get four hours of driving done. Sometimes, we go at night, so that helps my 10 required nighttime hours.

Right now, I am just trying to enjoy the last true summer break I will have for the rest of my life.

Since I didn't write anything yesterday, I must wish Ms. Sara H. a happy birthday today, a day late.

Fun parties that take place in a pool

Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

I am overjoyed that I simply able to go to Sara's graduation party yesterday. I expected it to be fun, yes, because the guest list included Sara (obviously), her sister Teri, Bev, Dianna, Liz, Jeff, Lauren, Sarah ("Bob"), and of course I was on the list as well. Well, of course, with that ratio of genders (3.5:1), you know you're doing something right, being invited to such a party ;)

Anyway, it was a complete blast! All included people had fun, even though some of us got slightly sunburned and Jeff was being the complete ass that he always is to everyone. However, we all got our revenge on Jeff in various ways, mostly with dunking. Like I said, it was bucket loads of fun!

Muhaha! I am better than... Myself

Friday, May 28th, 2004 10:16 AM MDT

OK, so I have some time on my hands. Oh well. The point is, I have just beat my old record of 9899 points and 76 seconds. Take a gander at this:

This is even more impressive than the last one. One day, I will look at these scores and times and think "how pathetic! i have done much better than this in the past!" And of course, this will be when I'm having an e. e. cummings moment, and don't care to capitalize. Hell, I have enough of those already!

Currently holding record

Friday, May 28th, 2004 7:28 AM MDT

I just broke my solitaire record. Here is the current record, as held by Mattfast1 - the fast one:

Impressive, no?

This space taken hostage by the angry and stupid

Thursday, May 27th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT


Note: this message is not sponsored or endorsed by the management of mattfast1 or any affiliates, subsidiaries, or other governing bodies, nor by our hosting company or the actual bill-payer for this space or domain. Anything said here was completely in order to poke a little fun at various people, and should not be taken as anything other than a joke. If you are still reading this, you are either bored or a lawyer. Thank you for taking time to read this, and here is a little code word you may find useful: sweets-lunar. Thanks again, the management.

A day in the life of Matt

Wednesday, May 26th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

I hate Wednesdays. All 51-53 of them are so boring, you feel like you need to spontaneously snore all the live-long day. Also, other people get so bored, they start boring you, until you just can't take it anymore and go insane. As I look at my call log, I start to see a pattern. See if you, too, can spot it {note: phone numbers have been erased to protect the weak and (sometimes) innocent}:

As you can see, most of my calls in the last few days have been over 15 minutes long, and yes, that one that says 110 min is accurate; I was on the phone today way to long with Bev. Anyway, here is an excerpt from today's idle chatter {note: i will use the same color scheme here that I use with the Rammstein lyrics, simply because I'm too lazy to create new classes}:

Matt: If you really wanted to non-conform to society, you would go naked.
Lauren: Nobody wants to see me naked!
(Note the implied long, uncomfortable silence here while we both contemplate this)
Lauren: Matt, you're taking too long to respond... You're supposed to be going "Ohhhh, gross!!!"
Matt: Maybe I should just go naked.
Lauren: "Ohhhhh, gross!!!"

As you can see, I have succeeded in placing yet another dirty image in Lauren's mind; yet at the same time, dodging the dirty image she provided me. It's just too freakin' easy with Lauren; and that is why we love her so much. She can be a pain in the buttocks, but we can always torture her using as few words as possible. I believe my record is two words; I'm trying to get it down to one, and I have almost succeeded on several occasions.

Hooray for bisexual tables and ballistic Brads

Monday, May 24th, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Although this is the first official day of Summer vacation, I spent it... at school. However, we were there to clean and paint the scene shop, and get it ready to produce plays for Arapahoe Children's Theater (ACT), and to produce plays after school begins as our normal schedule.  So anyway, Jessie and Stephanie were trying to figure out what color to paint the saw table, and they decided to us a gender-based color. However, they couldn't choose between pink and blue, so they just compromised: the table top is pink and the sides and legs are blue. Therefore, it is now known as the Bisexual table. Also, the paint table's top is now orange and the sides and shelves are yellow.

Now to get to the second part of this update: the Ballistic Brad. When Brad sauntered into the scene shop as they were in the process of painting the table, he nearly had a heart attack as he leaped back from the table and was heard to exclaim: "It's not staying that way, is it?!?!?!?!?" Anyway, he was just there to pick up a table saw that needed repairs, se he and Will-o went to get the saw and got it loaded up on the back of Brad's pickup truck and were driving away down University Blvd. when he dumped the saw into the road. With our principal, Mr. Booth, watching. To this moment, we have not heard from Brad or Will-o.

The official Techie Cart O' Death? was tipped today by Jason and I, following one of Jason's as-always brilliant decisions when he said "just take it straight down" while it was completely overloaded. However, he was smart enough to execute the Get The Fuck Out Of The Way Of Falling Shit To Save One's Own Ass? Maneuver, so the entire load ended up on the asphalt instead of on his face.

What the hell are we doing here?

Sunday, May 23rd, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Well, here we are: after all this work, Mattfast1 - the fast one has become a reality. I would like to thank everyone who made this possible: Me, Myself, My friends, my dear sweet mommy, and various others who are either too mean or too big of assholes to be shown here. Oh, wait, you mean I have to list my agent? All right, thanks, me. I also need to thank all the people who are written about in these pages, because without them, I wouldn't have any semi-hilarious material to write about.

Dear Gods, I'm Ugly

Sunday, May 23rd, 2004 12:00 AM MDT

Actually, that was just a quick tagline to make you read this. I got a haircut today, and I actually look a lot better. Pictures coming as soon as my camera gets over the shock of not seeing a "whole bunch-o-hair "? on my head.

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